Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
