I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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