i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
