i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
