i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
