Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
