My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
