I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
