I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
