i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
