A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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