dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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