I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
