that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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