who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
