the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
