I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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