Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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