Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
