I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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