Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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