we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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