Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
