Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
