This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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