"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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