If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
