so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
