My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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