i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
