yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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