Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
