that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
