i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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