i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just cropdusted the office
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
