just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
