I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want nice things and good sex
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
