She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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