I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Mom said you looked used
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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