I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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