So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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