we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
