I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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