Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
