I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
