I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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