Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
