someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
