If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
even my farts smell like vagina
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
