shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
