So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
