Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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